when you can feel nothing at all?
i guess today would be the last day some of my friends would be in inti, and last night might be the last night i have seen them. When everyone was trying their best to make up the best of the very last moments, i cant felt anything.........
when i was in primary 4, an self-caused incident caused my parents to transfer me to another school in town. perhaps i were young, but when i left them, i felt nothing. no hard feelings, no sadness, no nothing. i even forgotten about the invitation to my friend's birthday until few years later. with that, i left the school, abandoned about 40 over friendships in the garden school
when i was graduating primary 6, the only thing i cared about was a girl. i wonder whether she would be going the same school with me. but all my friends, all of them, i never even care. some friendship barely survive to high school, but most are forgotten.
when i was graduating secondary 5, we had a trip and chilled out. but again, no sadness, nothing. all i cared was how bad i did for chinese paper and about my coming national service. people were trying to get hold of each other after leaving by collecting biographies, me, nothing. when people asked me to wrote one, i just kept the paper, until now.
during the national service, for the last buddism class, because of my temper, i played emo for the whole night coz one guy disobeyed my order, i didn't talk. it was the last buddism class, from two persons who care so much about our life in ns.
when graduating from national service, the last night, the very last night, after 3 months of services together with 400+ peeps. all i cared was how not fair was this world when i know i missed the best trainee award and the best overall leader award, while others, getting phones numbers, pictures and autographs from each other, and enjoyed the "prom night".
when i hugged my company's jurulatih and apologised for not doing my part well, he cried.
other jurulatihs hugged me, holding their tears back
everytime a farewell, i didn't feel sad, nor try to make the best of the last moment, nor even try to get hold of each and every friendships. schools, scout camps, jamborees, ns......
am i that strong?
or am i that cold.........
2 comments:
hey ermm.. just dropping by to say that i have actually faced exactly the same thing since before too. Dont know why maybe i didnt manage to foster close relationship with every single friend of mine gua =(
not that we didn't manage to foster close relationship, just that something is holding us back.....
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